Home > Comedy > 25 of the best Tommy Cooper gags, jokes and one liners

25 of the best Tommy Cooper gags, jokes and one liners

Tommy Cooper - 25 of the best gags, jokes and one linersIt’s 30 years (15 April 1984) since the great Tommy Cooper died live on stage in front of millions. Possibly the most dramatic, yet best way for a comedian to go; keeping them laughing till the end!

His famous two-line jokes and one liners, known as “Cooperisms”, often feature heavily in public votes of the best jokes of all time.

Here’s my top 25 Tommy Cooper gags.

Read them. I promise they will bring a smile or make you laugh out loud!

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

24. I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’.

25. Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

Spoon-Jar, Jar-Spoon

A clip of a classic Tommy Cooper act involving magic (going wrong)..

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Further links

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  1. 29 June 2012 at 3:41 pm

    I just love tommy cooper.. All jokes were worth reading but I like the first one lol..

  2. Sam
    2 July 2012 at 9:31 am

    really, awsm jokes!!! Made me lough a lot. Spclly irish ‘worst air disaster’

  3. Jim Baxton
    11 August 2012 at 8:28 pm

    5 of these are Tim Vines

    • Colin
      26 April 2013 at 10:32 am

      I heard all of these long before Tim Vine was ever thought of. Nice to see plagiarism is alive and well.

      • janstevie
        7 August 2013 at 9:23 am

        I think the Tim Vine comment should be up there with the best jokes.

    • Alan
      5 April 2014 at 4:06 am

      Agree…

  4. janstevie
    7 August 2013 at 9:28 am

    I love Tommi Cooper, i can still laugh at these jokes years later, wonderful.

  5. mike woolfenden
    30 August 2013 at 10:56 am

    One you missed was when he went to the gym– he said to the instructor “can you teach me to do the splits?” instructor says “are you flexible?” and tommy says “Whell I can’t do Tuesdays”

    • 11 September 2013 at 8:03 pm

      Ha! Now that is a good one.

  6. mark
    5 September 2013 at 5:12 pm

    tommy cooper , fantastic guy , funny , without doing anything , the world lost a truely genuine lovable , funny guy , R.I.P — thankyou for all the lovely memories you gave us .

  7. michael dineen
    13 April 2014 at 9:38 pm

    His method of comedy was so happy and innocent. I don’t think, there will be another like him.

  8. 29 April 2014 at 2:25 pm

    They’re all ridiculous but very funny!

  9. june hartley
    13 May 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Tommy Cooper was a ‘one off’, so funny and entertaining. Made a lot of people laugh a true genius. Greatly missed. R.I.P.

  1. 30 June 2012 at 4:24 am
  2. 6 September 2014 at 8:14 am

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