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Know Pun Intended: 30 top puns and one liners

2 July 2012 4 comments

I’m cheating a bit here and simply posting an old email that was sent to me a while back. No idea who compiled this selection of puns.

Some of the puns are quite clever, while others are groan-inducing…you decide!

I guess some would be funny to use on Twitter or Facebook at the right opportunity too. so please copy away and pass them off as your own 🙂

  1. A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
  3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
  5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
  9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A- flat minor.
  11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
  18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
  19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
  21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  24. Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
  27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If you know of any other good puns, please comment below.

Categories: Comedy Tags: , ,

25 of the best Tommy Cooper gags, jokes and one liners

17 June 2012 19 comments

Tommy Cooper - 25 of the best gags, jokes and one linersIt’s 30 years (15 April 1984) since the great Tommy Cooper died live on stage in front of millions. Possibly the most dramatic, yet best way for a comedian to go; keeping them laughing till the end!

His famous two-line jokes and one liners, known as “Cooperisms”, often feature heavily in public votes of the best jokes of all time.

Here’s my top 25 Tommy Cooper gags.

Read them. I promise they will bring a smile or make you laugh out loud!

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” How’s that?” Don’t you start.”

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

24. I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’.

25. Heard the one about two aerials meeting on a roof, falling in love, and getting married? The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant

Spoon-Jar, Jar-Spoon

A clip of a classic Tommy Cooper act involving magic (going wrong)..

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Further links

Categories: Comedy Tags:
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